Chopped Liver

So, Austen has a field trip today to Wildlife Prairie Park. I thought I would try to suprise him by going to with him on this great little adventure. . . I sometimes feel guilty because I don't get to participate in his field trips or class parties because I am usually teaching, so hence the idea that I would suprise him.

I painstakingly made arrangements for a sub to take my classes, I got my leave of absence approved by both principals, I double checked to make sure I had extra personal days- I was set and excited!

As I waited to tell Austen the great news, I envisioned us running through the prairie land together, laughing, and enjoying our special time together. I could picture Austen smiling at me in gratefulness for being his mom and for "sacrficing" to be at his last field trip.

Austen finally came home form school, and I beamed as I told him I was going with him tomorrow. "We get to hang out together, just you and me. Aren't you excited, Austen?"
My son's face said it all. His exuerberant face became down-trodden,a s he slowly said. . . "You know, mom, you don't really have to go if you don't want to." Don't want to? Why wouldn't you want me to? I'm a fun gal, don't you want to be with me?

I slowly picked up the pieces of my shattered heart and ran to my husband for reassurance. It was then that he informed of rule # 317 in the How to Raise Boys Handbook:

"The words hang out with each other implies to a little boy
that he must solely spend time with his mother. Little boys
don't always want to hang out with their mothers, not when
there are other little boys to hang out with. While thier
mothers may be fun, they would rather have adventures
with their friends who are really, really fun!"

All right, so this made sense to me. Of course he wanted me there, just not running together hand in hand through the prairies. And of course he loves me, he just may not be expressing his heartfelt, undying love for me every second of the day. So, I am okay with watching Austen have fun with his friends and having little adventures with them. Hey, at least I am there to witness his adventures, right?! And when he needs lunch or money. . . well, then he'll be glad that I was there!

Reflections

As I sit at my school desk on this final week of school, my heart is filled with many reflective thoughts. I can't help but think how I started this year and how I will end it.

I wasn't supossed to be here at CBA this year. I started this year away from God, angry and bitter about curcumstances God had placed in my life. I allowed myself to be critical of everyone and everything. I wanted to leave and go somewhere else, far away from God and Christian education. But God had something bigger planned for my life. He got a hold of my heart and changed me.

I began seeking to do God's will, and becasue of that, Satan began attacking me with all sorts of lies. I started having doubts, insecurities, and fears about my teaching. Was this where I needed to be, should I try something else, am I really what is best for CBA. . . ? I did not know why God kept me at CBA. I didn't know whether or not I was having an impact on these kids. I just didn't know what to do.

This past weekend was graduation, and God used my students to give me the answers to those questions that I so desperately needed to hear. Through their encouraging words and thankful hearts, I realized that I want to be no where else than CBA!

This has been one of the best years. It has been extremely difficult, Satan has attacked me more than ever before. But, I have learned more about myself and about my God than I have ever before in the past. God's timing has been perfect, though at times I didn't realize that until after the fact. God has sent various students in my life who have encouraged me and inspired me to want to be a better Christian. He has sent parents and faculty members who have made me laugh when I didn't feel like laughing, who helped me endure the day or week when they had no clue what was happening in my life. He has sent financial help our way before we even had time to pray for help or before we knew we were going to need financial help. I have been amazed by our God, and overwhelmed by His Sovereignty.

I still don't know why God keeps me here at CBA, or what kind of impact I am having on these kids, if I am having one at all, or if I am the best teacher on this planet. But I do know that God is giving me such a burden and a true love for the students of CBA. I do know that God is great and His ways are higher than my ways. And I do know for the first time that I have an absolute peace that I need to be at CBA, and I am already excited to see what God will do next school year.

Aubree Update

As I sit to write this post, I am reminded of the verse in Isaiah-My thoughts are not your thoughts nor my ways your ways, but just as the sun is higher than the earth so are my thoughts toward you.

For whatever reason the surgery scheduled for Aubree was cancelled. The doctor was litterally stuck in New York due to bad weather and could not get a flight out to Chicago.

It didn't make sense to me or to Shelly or to anyone, but God's ways are perfect. I know it was a struggle, but in the end God made Himself real to Shelly and all is well. They scheduled the surgery for the summer and now Shelly knows that God can and will help her through it all.

Shelly

I know, I know. . . it's been entirely way to long since I have last posted on my blog. I have had a brief intermission with the drama in my life. I must say I have enjoyed the quietness of this intermission!

There is no way to ease into this post, so I will save the introduction and get to my point.
I have a dear friend named Shelly, who has been my best friend since I was 2 years of age. She is my dearest friend, someone who I have endured many hardships with, shared many a laugh with, and cried many a tear with. Shelly is the sister I never had, and the Harts are like my extended family.

Shelly's daughter, Aubree, is 11 years old and has had many health problems throughout her short little life. Thursday she will be undergoing a very serious surgery to correct some problems with her liver and spleen. I would so appreciate your prayers on my friend and her daughter's behalf. I could not even begin to explain this surgery, but if you would like to read Shelly's account, click on this link http://hartgirlies:Mystery

Please pray that God will give Shelly peace and will calm her anxious heart. Pray that God will give Aubree's doctor's wisdom and precision as they operate. Pray for Aubree that she will feel God's presense and that she will not be afraid.

Shelly is a rock and an inspiration to me. Through this difficult time, she has shown me what it is to trust God for everything. I am grateful for her friendship, and I know God will bless her for her faithfulness in Him!